Designer Handbags

The jungle gym is the best friend to many youngsters. I used to run outside for recess and went straight to the climbing rope. Ask me now to get on a rope and I’ll laugh in your face, but way back when, I loved it. My favorite thing to do was race other kids up the cargo rope, which I of course always won

. Reminiscent of my childhood days, the Etro Basketweave Tote looks like the perfect cargo rope for Thumbelina. Unless you are Thumbelina or Polly Pocket, this bag is hideous. The knotted laced detail along with the basketweave front makes an otherwise simple white tote fugly. Give me the bag, and I will draw faces on my finger tips and walk my fingers up the rope of the bag. Highly extravagant for Polly Pocket and my finger people, but perfectly fitting for the likes of Thumbelina. Via Neiman Marcus for $1625.

I have said it at least 100 times in 100 different entries, the whole over-zealous monogram pattern does not do it for me. I want the beauty of the bag to attract the attention, not the logofied style. Even worse is designers who do not typically use a monogram pattern, or have not found success with one, using it like it is hip. Gag me. Upon first glance of the Michael Kors Jet Set Monogram Satchel, I thought of two things: ‘mmmmmkayyyyy’ by Mr. Mackey and Mary Kate Olsen. Those are two things you do not want a potential buyer to think of when looking at a Michael Kors bag. The shape is great, the leather trim is stunning, the push lock closure is cute, but the monogram-emobossing makes me seriously laugh and want to gag all at once. Kors, stick to what you know works, simple bags without your initials splattered all over it. Especially when your initials will make people think of at least two totally opposite things. I mean really, who thinks of Michael Kors when they first see the initials MK? Not me. And that is not a good sign. Via eLuxury for $328.

First glance, I thought this bag was a great shape. Slouchy leather, with a detachable shoulder strap makes a perfect messenger bag, right? Wrong. Vlad looks at this bag and says “Is it uni-sex?”. There lies the problem. The Miu Miu Antiqued Leather Handbag is a perfect shaped everyday messenger bag but is manly and burly. Look like a man on a mission to go do something manly, say chug a beer, not shave your beard, walk in 4 inches of mud and not care, or get smashed watching football if you carry this bag. The mere fact that Vlad thinks he could carry it too turns me away from its brown antiqued leather. Hand-held or across the body this bag screams out masculine, and unless that is what you are going for, I wouldn’t spend a penny on it. Buy it through Net A Porter for $1385 for a man.

Like I have said many times, I grew up on the ocean. Well not on it per say, although I always wanted to live in the ocean in Stilt City but that is besides the point. My family was never much of a fisher-family, seeing that both my mom and I are allergic and we all rather have someone prepare our food rather than take all that time to slice, dice, and remove parts. All things aside, we still would go on boats often and still had friends that liked to fish and use nets to catch all sorts of ocean critters. We used to wade in the sand bars and catch little crabs and other marine life in nets. The nets we used looked like a slightly different version of the Dolce & Gabbana Vitello Canvas Tote which appears more like a fisherman’s accessory than an accessory for a lady on solid shore ground. This canvas bag sports net-like woven metallic leather and a wooden top handle. Might as well give the dimensions seeing that you need to know the size of marine life that you can fit in here; 11”H X 15″L X 5″W. Totally hideous and if I were sitting on way too much money, I’d cut out the canvas lining and literally use this metallic net to catch something or other out there. At least I would do it and make a fashion statement. Fugly and overpriced through Saks for $1550.

Proudly sporting the ‘Art to Wear Girl Scout Badge’

Oh yes, I was in girl scouts. You better believe it. And when I was too young to be in girl scouts, I was an honorary members of my sisters troop (where my mom was of course the troop leader). One of my favorite activities was tie-dyeing. For every activity out there, there is a girl scout badge, I kid you not. You glue Popsicle sticks together with glue, you got yourself a new badge. But the tie-dyeing, now that was a badge well earned. Problem is the actual process because if you do not treat the garment properly, you end up with a brown creation, and who wants that really?! I have my hand in my imaginary girl scout troop leader badge drawer and and pulling out an ‘Art to Wear Badge’ for the designers behind the Miu Miu Camoscio Tie-Dye Tote. The folks behind the bag sure do deserve their badge, seeing that they were able to tie-dye suede with white and blue and even tie-dye the double handles. On top of this, the bag has a pleated front and a removable cross body strap (I’d keep the strap for outdoor adventures and campfires). Ah, you all catch my sarcastic drift here. Scouts honor, I am not trying to be rude, the bag is partially cute, it’s just not for me. Through Saks for $1445 (now you know that a girl scout really did not make this bag!)

I find that many women obsess over sizing. ‘Good gawd this is an 10, I don’t wear a 10! I’m not buying this’ or ’seriously I am going on a diet and once I get to my goal these 6’s will fit’. Ladies, for years I had a closet full of ‘once-I-get-to-the-size-I-like-clothes. They inevitably never fit, and at times (a long time ago I tell you), I would pull those pants up, lay ont he ground, do lunges, stretch and squeeze, until the pants would fit. BAD idea. The fact that the pants could ‘fit’ was not a good sign, because they were so far from flattering that it was gaggable. Learn from this ladies, buy clothes that fit, don’t look at the sizes! This happens in the handbag realm also, not ALL handbags look good on everyone. A huge bag could look really overpowering on a small framed person just as a really tiny bag can look ridiculous on a tall/larger framed person. If you look in the mirror when trying on a handbag, and you are not sure, do not buy it. This is exactly the thought that came to my mind when I saw this De Couture Metallic Shoulder Strap Handbag, well that, and actually that it is completely fugly either way. Simply put, metal and leather are combined in an Medieval like manner, with a thick shoulder strap of metal, and a ring that connects to the small compartment bag. Totally not for me (since I am 5′10), and totally not for me even if I were 4′10.

Through Luisaviaroma for $920.

Way back in once upon a time, I was in grade school. Come 6th grade, there was a school dance. I wore some dress of horrors I am sure and had really fugly lipstick on too I am sure and no doubt stood at one end of the gym while the boys were on the other end. At the odd chance that any of the boys and girls danced, the nuns and teachers ran up to us, pulled us apart with their hands, and said ‘Keep Jesus Between You”. I am not kidding. And during that time, I carried an evening bag that was most probably cheap and not chic. Come to think of it, the Miu Miu Crystal Embellished Purse looks as if at its best it could be carried by another 6th grader to an awkward dance. One side has crystal ‘embellishment’ flung about it as if a 6th grader bought fabric glue and took a trip to JoAnn’s fabrics, and on the other side there is plain black silk with the Miu Miu logo. I’d advise all Miu Miu personale to remove the logo and let this purse go on looking as if it were made by the 6th grader to be carried to the 6th grade dance. Via Net-A-Porter for $550.

Too much, too fast is the theme of our ski vacation. If you could all see me now. Picture this: A fashionable gal wearing my boyfriends shirt because it is all that will fit overly my arm somewhat comfortably with my right arm (my writing arm of course) snuggled close to my body in a sling and wrist brace waiting to be checked by my ortho. Ah yes, I am that first time snowboarder who breaks her arm on her first run ever. So I come to you all a bit pissed, major bummed, and left handed typing from my vacation; you envy me, don’t you. My reaction to this atrocious bag may be somewhat cynical, but now you can understand why.

We all know only a select percentage of women can pull off red lipstick, and the same goes for red bags. So attempting to pull off this racy color in a larger bag is a bit more complicated and adding ridiculous amounts of braiding and pockets makes my eyes hurt. Really Valentino? You found it necessary when designing the Valentino Braided Handle Shoulder Bag to fug out this bag with gaudy braiding thrown all over the place, tacky black stitching that is borderline trashy, and flaps and pockets that make this handbag look like a bloody mess. Don’t get me wrong, I love red bags and truly think they can be so classy (love my rouge Paddy), but all the ‘extra perks’ flung on this bag make it so fugly my eyes cringe. Do you notice the cow tongue used as a flap closure? Come on, give us something better than this. The only purpose this bag would play in my life is if it were there to catch my fall on the slopes of Jackson Hole.

Via BG for nearly $1,600.

Top left to right, bottom left to right

Fendi Laser Cut Satchel $1240 via Saks, Marc Jacobs Collection Quilted Nylon Kristen $675 at eLuxury, Chloe Denim Logo Tote through Bergdorf Goodman $830, Marc by Marc Jacobs Laminated Tote via eLuxury $278.

When a designer begins to feel insecure about his or her name and really wants to make sure people know who he is, he will sling his/her entire name on a bag. I am not even a huge fan of logos, although some I can stand (and even own), but this flagrant full name dropping just looks dumb. Chloe your offense is not as bad, but still pretty bad. Fendi, at least you laser cut your name which makes it half-cool. We know who you are Marc, fling your name on and we will laugh; but throwing your name recklessly all over your bag in multi-coloring has me rolling around on the floor laughing (at you, not with you). I am all for getting your name out there, but have a little class. Less is more. We will learn to love you and your bags, without your name on them. This brings me back to the days of grade school, when kids had the backpacks with their names on them. Quit it, seriously.

This is precisely what happens when a designer has absolutely no idea what to do next. Salvatore Ferragamo, I love your shoes, have had crushes on a few of your bags, but this bag is down right nasty looking. There must be some sort of protocol or list that had to be met for the season; as in there must be 15 new bags produced. The first few are always the easiest (hopefully), then comes more thinking involved, then when you are just at 14 and really needing that last one you put all the extra scrap material together and make a smorgasbord bag. Gag. So here is the smorgasbord handbag, the Salvatore Ferragamo Fiera Print Tote Bag. Granted this is called the ’signature carnival print’, this print is still nothing but awful in my opinion. There is also randomly placed leather trim which partially breaks up the pattern of lions, tigers, bears… OH MY. Fugtastic through Saks for $840.